Author's note: Disclaimer: If you recognize a character, they don't belong to me. I know we all want own Steed, but face it ladies, he belongs to Emma. If you don't recognize anybody, they're probably not very important.
Feedback: You know what to do.
I am not sure this letter will ever reach you, but I must write it. I dont know exactly where I am, somewhere in the wilds of Russia. I fear my luck may be running out and I cant die without letting you know what you mean to me. It has been three years since you walked out of my life, but I still think of you often.
If I had told you that I loved you, would you have stayed? Ive made many mistakes in my life, but that is the one I regret the most. There have been other partners and other women, but none ever compared to you.
Do you still remember the day we met? What a happy accident that was. You were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. Cliché, I know, but it was true. We went to dinner the next evening. I wanted very much to kiss you the, but you were still mourning Peter and such intimacy would have been inappropriate. It was a week before we finally kissed and afterward there was no guilt. Remember that day? After dinner we went to your flat. We had a few drinks and got to know each other better. You told me about your art and I told you about my Army days. You were looking at me with such rapt attention. You looked like you were amazed, but not hero worship like some women. You liked me, not just the dangerous past. I couldnt resist anymore. I kissed you and you didnt resist. It was soft and sweet and I wanted you so much then. I would have stayed the night if you had asked. Although I didnt realize at the time, I loved you even then.
The first time we made love I thought nothing could ever be that good. You were incredible, beautiful, perfect. I wanted to tell you that I loved you, but I didnt. I was trying to convince myself that it was just sex, just the result of being together so much in unusual circumstances. We were both trying to convince ourselves of that. It was a lie. Things just got better after that. You were my only lover during that time. Such a thing had never happened to me before. I didnt think I was capable of such a thing.
Do you remember when I took you to Paris for your birthday? We had lots of plans for those few days, but somehow we never got around to doing many of them. We spent most of the time in the hotel, enjoying each other. We were both so happy then. We were together, we were in love, and we had our whole future together to look forward to. Nothing was said, but I think we both knew we wanted to be together always.
We had just a few more weeks before it all ended. Peter was alive and you felt it best to go back to him. I wanted very much to ask you to stay, beg you if I had to, but I couldnt say the words. You didnt want to leave, I could see it in your eyes. I wanted to give you a real kiss goodbye, to hold you in my arms one last time, but I knew if I did, I would never let you go. You were Peters wife now, not my lover. Letting you go was the hardest thing I ever did. I loved you so much then and I still do. Always remember that.
© Karmyn Crabb 2003
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